This month, I have decided to once again adorn my furred scarlet robe, attach my full bottom grey wig and dust off my centuries old hardwood Gavel in order to bring you, dear readers, another conclusive, 100% certified, official verdict of GAY or NOT GAY (while retaining my legal right, mind you, in some circumstances to deliver an equally valid, yet certainly less-titillating verdict of MAYBE COULD BE GAY) on some random celebrity of my choosing. It is not very often that I choose to wield this particular type of permanent judicial power (even if I did go deep into debt doing the 12 years of schooling in the most prestigious institutions that the post requires) for I know what consequences indeed arrive whenever I do and it is not my intention to reproduce the logic of the closet. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not at all you see. In fact, I reserve this right in only one instance: to serve the advancement of total queer liberation. As a judge of the highest order it is of course my duty as a Representative of justice to commit myself to the struggle for full revolution (it’s part of our oath we all must take in order to be judges as you surely are aware).
Anyways, enough with all this political mumbo jumbo and onto the juice. Yoko Ono is probably one of the baddest bitches there is and I can’t even tell you how excited I would be if she was indeed gay. I must assure you, however, that as a judge, my personal excitement about this prospect would never influence my investigation. Still I can’t deny that a verdict of gay for Yoko Ono would be huge for us. Not only does Yoko Ono have a lot of cash which she would then have to donate to radical organizations doing queer liberation work, but also a gay Yoko Ono would mean that she was one of the first gay people ever because she is quite old and would therefore be a trailblazer and an elder with lots of homosexual wisdom to bestow. Unfortunately after searching google with the words “Is Yoko Ono gay?” I came up with approximately no damning evidence on the very first page of results. What this means is that Yoko Ono is officially and 100% certified MAYBE COULD BE GAY. This is quite excellent news if you ask me (personally) and a huge leap forward for homosexual visibility in the age of hyper-surveillance. Anyways Yoko Ono was quite happy to receive the verdict the bailiff tells me and has started attending a lgbt discussion group at a local college near her home, so let’s wait and see how this one plays out.
As happy as I was to find out that Yoko Ono MAYBE COULD BE GAY, my researches into her led me to an unexpected case that was much less interesting, but which had much more bland mass appeal. For whatever random reason, while searching Yoko Ono, I came across numerous articles alleging that John Lennon, the singer songwriter from a soft rock outfit called “the Beatles” was indeed heteroFLEXIBLE. This was a tasty accusation, one that my overworked and exhausted judge brain (from the previous Yoko Ono investigation) could not turn down even if I wanted to. While I found John Lennon to be horrendously boring as a human being, I knew this was the case of a lifetime, one of undoubtedly tremendous importance. Honestly, at this point I didn’t even know if I was up to the task, but I knew the world needed me in this moment, and I leaped into the dark chasm before me with nothing but my little gay heart lighting the way. This could make or break my career, I thought, a risky case to say the very least, but it didn’t matter, this was bigger than me, much, much bigger.
The very first component of any investigation of mine involves, of course, a scientific read of my gaydar machine, which I assure you is of the highest quality. After running John Lennon through my slightly rusty HOMOTRACKER XM300. Mdf , my interest was indeed peaked because the machine’s arrow fell directly in the middle between the two extremes of “HOMO” and “NO”. This was not going to be easy I thought. One thing that I knew for sure is that John Lennon preferred to spend the majority of his time in close proximity with other men, playing indecent, sweaty, and debaucherous music. This meant that heteroflexible sex was at least always in the background of their musical project, if never in the foreground. I began to ruffle through their catalogue of songs and one track in particular that John Lennon wrote entitled “You’ve got to hide you’re love away” caught my glittered eye. At first, it struck me as a totally straight title of a straight song about a straight individual, but then I thought, hey, wait a minute, heterosexuals don’t normally have to hide their love! They normally flaunt it like a giant rainbow lollipop in front of sugar deprived homosexuals! Where could John possibly be hiding his love? Where oh where would he be hiding it? And then it hit me, like a thunderbolt out of the sky. THE CLOSET, I bellowed????????
This is when the heterosexual curtain began to unhinge itself from its hooks letting the deeply heteroflexible moonlight shine through. An intense cross-reference search through John’s acquaintances turned up the deeply shocking fact that the Beatles’ manager Brian Epstein, was very much gay. This was undeniable proof that John not only knew, but also spent time with a gay person. The odds of him being heteroflexible just shot through the motherfucking roof. A further look into Brian Epstein revealed that John Lennon and him actually vacationed together in Barcelona in 1963, a top contender for the gayest city in the world during one of the gayest years we currently have on record. What could one gay man and one potentially heteroflexible individual be doing in Barcelona alone together I ask? There’s only six answers to that question possible and two of them are quite indecently homosexual in content.
I did also learn that John Lennon was married to a woman, which definitely confirmed the “hetero” part of “heteroflexible” which was an enormous breakthrough for the case. When I looked into their marriage I found the nail on lid of the coffin in an interview she did just after he died. After his death she told the worldwide press that John Lennon admitted to her that the reason he liked her was because “she looked like a bloke in drag, she was like a mate.” And that did it folks. Even though it’s completely ridiculous to base someone’s gender on their physical appearance, this deeply confirmed that John Lennon was certified 100% heteroflexible, emphasis on the flexible. You heard it here first.