Mind Your Own Fucking Jizz (or, the CUM Manifesto)

I have always felt a surprising connection to the the transmisogynist term “autogynephilia.” Not that I ever casually refer to myself as an autogynephile during any of my once every three year ALO’s that I go on, but more that I find a certain power in exploring its history of repression. For me at least, understanding how transphobic discourses code my body and my desires as pathological is key to refuting their logic. The term itself was coined in the nineties by Canadian sexologist Ray Blanchard in an endeavour to delegitimize transfeminine embodiment. According to his “theory”, transwomen fall into one of two possible categories: we are either homosexuals who pretend to be women in order to lure innocent heterosexual men into our insidious loins, or else we are autogynephiles, heterosexual men with  such a deep sexual perversion that we can only be aroused by the image of ourselves as women, going as far as surgically altering our bodies to satisfy our sick and twisted lust.

I am drawn to autogynephilia in much the same way that I am drawn to many other forms of transmisogynist history and practice, even something as basic as the slur “tranny” (which I may or may not have forced a dear friend to tattoo on my arm with a somewhat intoxicating fervour during a recent 4am cocaine gala). Our history of oppression as gender non-conforming people is long and often brutal. While it is quite disturbing to me how entire fields of research and industry have been mobilized to produce consistent streams of harmful knowledge about our lives, I can’t deny that I also see a power there too. Practices which are meant to delegitimize or pathologize us as a class of people only thinly mask the anxiety which drives them. Behind the necessity for theories like “autogynephilia” is the deep-seated fear that if left to our own devices, transwomen actually pose a threat to social order, that we are in fact dangerous beings (which is true). When we reclaim these histories, I do believe that we are able to not only subvert their power over us, but also express our own will to be whoever the fuck we wanna be.

Autogynephilia is of course laughable as a plausible theory of gender, not to mention sexuality. While I am indeed not a sexolologer nor a Phd. Candidate in the sciences of medicines and biologisies, I do believe one could argue that even a slight decrease in gender dysphoria brought about by the adoption of any form feminine expression could have dramatic effects on desire, pleasure, and sexual autonomy. I’m pretty sure it’s called “ i’m feeling sexy” or “my cunt is wet” or any of the other six million normal things people say when they feeling hot and also thirsty af. I’ve also heard like 6 different prononciations for “autogynephiliac” because it’s a really dumb long stupid word and so literally only people who speak ancient classical romantic latin can probably say it good.

Autogynephilia is funny to me because in a way, it’s true. The vast majority of transwomen actually do experience a surge in desire and pleasure after coming out. This is even and maybe especially true for people taking estrogen and testosterone blockers which are supposed to decrease libido. In fact, all medical practitioners who prescribe hormones make damn sure to let us know over and over again that hormones will negatively impact our “sex drives” and procreative capacities. What they really mean when they say this is that our ability to have choice boners and spray vital(?) jizz all over the place including into our own eyeballs will probably not be super possible anymore. Considering the fact that many of us have immediate plans to get our dicks chopped off this is actually a very baffling warning. For others who may not experience genital related dysphoria, the way this claim is framed as permanently and negatively impacting our sex drives is simply frightening. Unless your sex life already consists of you dressing up as a rainbow hued donkey and just licking a foot with salt on it for an hour, this would scare anybody. Honestly, in 2017 why the fuck is sexuality still universally framed under a heteronormative and transphobic framework that centers orgasm and the procreative viability of cum? It’s not an exaggeration to say that sexual beings are directly equated with ejaculation and, furthermore, for people who have penises, that entrance into the sacred realm of sexuality is premised upon the possibility of erection.

Even within queer and feminist communities, this reductive framework of sexuality is still largely unchallenged. Admittedly, reseizing pleasure from the iron grip of a world that despises you and your body and your sexuality is very chill. The widespread historical repression of womyn’s sexualities and the criminalization of gay and queer subjects has been and continues to be devastating. The pathologization of vaginal orgasms which swiftly followed the “discovery” in the 18th Century that vaginal pleasure was not an essential criteria for procreation had enormous effects on the lives and sexualities of many womyn and those coerced into the position. “And as soon as female (sic.) orgasm lost the legitimacy of a direct connection to reproductive capacity, it came to seem either non-existent or pathological. (Plant, 200) In response to such a repressive project, some 20th Century feminisms took “orgasms on any terms!” to be a rallying cry for a movement which was increasingly aware of how deeply their sexualities were confined. “It was imperative that women have orgasms. Measures had to be taken to liberate them and make them climax.” (Plant, 200)

Similarly, the pervasive repression of homosexuality and the subsequent criminalization of sodomy, cross-dressing, public sex, and HIV non-disclosure which contributed to coding gay sex as dangerous to some abstract “public”, politicized any expression of homosexual desire. Under a system of law which considers HIV “non-disclosure” to be a form of aggravated sexual assault, people living with HIV and their bodily fluids, such as cum, are considered to be weapons. In this context, it is obvious that reclaiming orgasms as manifestations of freedom and pleasure is imperative. So it’s not like people are just ejaculating willy nilly all over the place for no good reason, and even so, it’s not like we “need” a reason to cum. In a world organized around the principles of production and accumulation, Bataille thought that “our only real pleasure is to squander our resources to no purpose.” Or, in other words, to cum, just because. In doing so it is argued that we are able, even if just for an instant, to connect with the moment of our own death, or that singular state which lies completely outside the boundaries of capitalism and labour.

The issue at hand here is not orgasms, it would be rather silly to claim that they are not worthwhile experiencing. The real sticky point, however, is orgasm’s exalted status as the point of transcendence, the moment which supposedly grants us entry into a liberated and fulfilling sexual state. Without orgasm, sex becomes a slippery concept to define because in our culture cumming is the equivalent of a litmus test. When we orgasm it is assumed that we have been freed. I’m sure I do not have to describe the feeling, that sudden release of anxiety and surge of accomplishment that comes with the knowledge that we helped someone cum. On the opposite side of this spectrum is the feeling of potential failure that we were unable to provide release, or, disappointment that we ourselves did not reach orgasm. In these cases, it is not uncommon to throw the entire event into question as in “did we just completely bomb on doing the funky rn???” Or even, “am I the worst persyn at sex in the entire world? Yes, yes, in fact, I must be.”

Global medical diagnoses such as “sexual dysfunction” which supposedly categorize together a diverse range of sexual problems exceptionally address symptoms relating to penetration and orgasm. Under the diagnosis of sexual dysfunction we find some of the following symptoms: premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, ejaculatory incompetence, sexual arousal disorder, orgasmic disorder, vaginismus, and painful intercourse. Not to say that any of these are not valid sexual problems, but more to point out that the ideological scope of what constitutes sex is obviously quite small. Wilhelm Reich, a prominent Austrian pyschoanalyst and author of the book The Sexual Revolution was so convinced of the centrality of orgasm that he believed orgasmic disturbance was responsible for almost all emotional problems. “The severity of every form of psychic illness is directly related to the severity of the genital disturbance. The prospects of cure and the success of the cure are directly dependent upon the possibility of establishing the capacity for full genital gratification.” (Reich 96)

A principal component (amongst other more explicitly brutal practices) of gay conversion therapy programs was an intervention that was called masturbatory reconditioning. This practice, more than any other example I could find, points clearly to the ideological function of the orgasm. During masturbatory reconditioning, a gay man would be placed in front of a screen and told to masturbate while watching a series of images. For the arousal and stimulation periods, gay pornographic content would be played on the screen. Once the stimulation was heightened to a point that orgasm was imminent, the images would instantly switch into what was considered “appropriate” stimuli, or, heterosexual pornographic content. It was believed, that if the moment of orgasm could be trained over a period of time to associate directly with heterosexual stimuli, then people would be forced to seek out heterosexual situations, or else stop cumming altogether. To not cum, of course, was absolutely unthinkable so people would obviously be forced to seek out heterosexual stimuli. While masturbatory reconditioning was but one component of a variety of techniques (or, tortures) that made up gay conversion programs, it nevertheless shows how central of a role orgasms play in normative discourse. Masturbatory reconditioning was not concerned with intervening in someone’s sexuality, but just training them to cum at the right place at the right time regardless of desire.

You may be asking yourself at this point if my deep distrust of orgasm is actually a coping mechanism for being left out of the cum cocktail party. Well, in order to be entirely fair and unbiased I have decided to try and connect with my awesome (as in inspiring of awe) orgasmic potential so as not to discredit my specs as a journaliste of merit. What follows is a description of what I did yesterday, which was masturbate.

First, I did all the normal stuff to set a sexy mood like deep clean the fridge and make a simple collage about the history of recycling. After, I decided to get very autogynephiliac and put on things only girls wear like socks and underwear. Then, I decided to mix it up by putting on a very gender neutral and very short summer dress, red lipstick, and thick mascara. Not only did I look good but I was feeling very revved up. I thought at this point it would be a great idea to think about things that turned me on, so I remembered my completely wasted transgirlfriend accidentally knocking over a small child during an early afternoon psychedelic troll stroll a few months prior. This image made me THIRSTY but still I couldn’t feel anything stirring in my bone zone. I definitely was going to need some extra help.

What I thought would be useful was to look up sexual videos of transgender lesbians doing lesbian stuff like putting their mouths all over each others dongs. This is, all we all know, is undeniably hot and I felt a trickle of desire forming within me as the images washed over my eyeballs. Next, I lay down on the couch on my stomach watching the porn and thought that even though things were clearly heating up, I was going to need a dynamic approach. To accomplish this I first slapped myself in the face (which caused pain), then I bit my arm for a while (also ouchie), and finally I licked a book that was on the ground nearby cause I find intelligence to be very sexy. I was feeling quite wet at this point so I slid off my underwear and used them as a drying cloth.

After this, I got up on my knees and slid a lubed up dildo under my dress and pushed it inside me. This felt quite excellent and had the wondeful effect to make my whole body feel like a warm wet noodle. Poppers seemed very appropriate at this point and after a sniff sniff I melted way down into the couch. Oh shitttttttttt I thought, maybe instead of this whole cumming thing I’ll just fuck my ass on infinite repeat. Yes… forever, I moaned, forever…..forever…..yes yes…till the end of time….there’s no other way….eternal…asshole…ad infinitum

WAIT!!! NO ESTELLE, NO. The plan was to release a tidal wave of orgasmic energy to soothe and liberate my psyche, not to just ream my own dumb butt till I fucking die. So I pushed the dildo as far in as it would go and then got to the real work. I licked my hand and after a while of touching myself I got pretty much 63% erective which was A LOT. Then I just started full on jacking off which felt decent but required a lot of deep sexy concentration to maintain hard state. This kind of unpaid emotional labour didn’t deter me though because I knew it was my destiny to get that jizz out into the world. After five or ten minutes or so of this kinda up down thing, something really interesting started happening in the porno which really saved me. These bitches were about to cum.

I turned to see these girls stroking their dicks with a laborious abandon and the sounds escaping their mouths were telltale signs of a cosmic struggle. I felt wholly connected to these women and the impossible tasks they were confronting. Why oh why were we all subjecting ourselves to this horrible pain I bellowed? One by one they screamed out things like “Oh yeah baby, are you ready for this cum load?!” Loads? Is she serious rn?

Quite suddenly a girl shrieked and the camera zoomed in on her dick right by someone else’s mouth as she’s saying “Fuck, fucccccccccccck” which were clearly said in such a way that someone who was about to have an orgasm would say. Then the person whose head is right bye the penis starts foaming at the mouth, amassing saliva all over her lips which she then expertly places on the penis right at the orgasm moment in such a way as to confuse the audience. Wait a minute, did she cum? Is that splooge on her dick?? Or is that just spit from the other persyn’s mouth??? In sequence, this exact same thing happens to all the girls and I’m transfixed with a lascivious lust that will not loosen its grip. This deep confusion and clearly total lack of actual cum is so hot that I become extremely aroused. Within seconds some horrible force takes over my body and I close my eyes and embrace what must undoubtedly be my oncoming sexual liberation. My butt muscles squeeze a few times and then a tiny little drop of splooge falls on my stomach. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Get it off, get it off me!!

If we could only begin to approach sex a little differently sometimes, outside of the orgasmic framework, I believe this could only proliferate the possibilities for new kinds of empowering interactions and intimacies. This does not mean we need to stop cumming, quite the contrary. Sex, as many of us know, can be a very fulfilling creative space and queers have always been creative masterminds. If fisting was the great sexual invention of the 20th Century, then I think that muffing, a practice created by transwomen where the inguinal canals in the scrotum are penetrated and fucked might be a top contender for the 21st Century, but there is clearly still so much space left to explore. If we were able to take a step back from an orgasm centric understanding of sexual liberation, people who don’t want to cum, or who can’t cum, or have problems becoming aroused, including some transwomen, wouldn’t need to feel so anxious about sex or their bodies not “working properly” or living up to heteronormative standards of sexual functioning. Considering how much actual abuse and violence transwomen endure just for having penises, it’s actually absurd to get even more shit during sex because our “aberrant” dicks may not be hard and we may also not want to fuck you with them. Orgasms are cool and everything, but there are infinite sexual dimensions to be explored and frankly I’m v bored of hearing “did you cum? Did I make you cum? Can I cum now all over your bitch face?” No. The answer to all of your questions is no. Now please let me continue licking your foot that is covered in salt and mind your own fucking jizz.

About cosmicwyrmrat

estelle.silverweed@gmail.com
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